


Counting Down

by i_paint_the_sky



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 05:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_paint_the_sky/pseuds/i_paint_the_sky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As she waits, Helena counts down from 10 and reflects upon the forces that shaped her life. Set during "Governed as It Were by Chance."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting Down

Ten.

(Ten commandments, ten things you must not do. Never use God's name in vain, always keep the Sabbath. Hide your lust and jealousy and only lie when you have to. That covered all of it except for one, but they told her that it wasn't murder, to kill an abomination. Thou shalt not suffer a clone to live. But maybe that wasn't true after all. Maybe none of it was.)

Nine.

(There were nine dead girls who looked like her. Nine who shared her eyes and her nose and her mouth. The first time it was hard – as if she was watching her own death in the mirror. Time and habit made it better, so that when she had Katja Obinger in her sights, it was easy to pull the trigger. Then Sarah came and the bad feelings came back, getting worse and worse ... until it suddenly became better.)

Eight.

(Intense Blonde 8 was the colour she used on her hair, turning brown straw into gold. The first time she saw herself reflected in the mirror, it looked like a halo. She got herself looking at it again and again over the next week, each time marvelling that it was really a part of her. Now she can't imagine herself without it – though because of the others, she doesn't have to.)

Seven.

(The world was made in seven days. She wondered if that was how long it took to make a little baby and put it inside a mother. No, not a mother – that was not a mother. That was just an egg, waiting to be broken. She still saw Amelia's face her dreams.)

Six.

(She woke up every morning at 6AM on the dot. Even when she tried to sleep later, it never worked. She had to get up and out of bed, down on her knees beside it to talk to God. She would ask him for many things – for today to be a good day, for her to eat some good food and see interesting things and not get into any trouble. Some days she got what she wished for. Most days, she did not.)

Five.

(Five little piggies, all in a row. She couldn't remember who taught her those words but she would know them forever. In the darkest nights, she would sing them to herself, wiggling her toes as she went. Sometimes, she would shout them out, wrinkling her nose up and squealing with glee. She didn't remember the teacher but it was always her favourite lesson.)

Four.

(In a secret pocket of her bag were four razor blades, sharp at first but becoming duller ever cut. Sometimes she thought her wings were complete but she hadn't been able to fly away yet. And so the blades came where she came, saw what she saw, felt what she felt. Sometimes, she whispered her secrets to them as they worked. She knew they'd never tell.)

Three.

(Three was a sacred number – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. She knew them, felt them when she crossed herself. They were the only constant companions she had, now that even Tomas was gone. But now when she spoke to them, she wasn't so sure that she heard any reply. The certainty that she was doing God's work, like so many other things, was slipping through her fingers like unset Jello.) 

Two.

(She heard what the doctors said, about how she was a mirror. Two babies where there had been one. Twins. The moment she had first heard the word, she knew it was true. And she knew that one day, she and Sarah would be together again, forever.)

One.

(For years, she had been told that she was the one, the original face that was stolen and given to the others. She didn't believe that anymore. She wasn't even sure if the Original was even real at all. Sometimes, she even began to wonder about God and how, if he was real, he could have led her so astray, a little lost sheep bleating in the night. But she had to make herself stop then, stop thinking, stop feeling, because she needed Him like she needed her sister.)

_Go_.

Helena couldn't hear anyone inside the apartment. Not the man who had gone in several minutes ago and not Sarah, who'd entered before him. No sound was probably not good. She pushed the door open from where it rested against her hand – her sister had good tricks. Helena entered the room and now she could hear them talking in another room. She walked towards the stereo system, looking at it carefully. No music she knew. It was that then she heard Sarah cry out. 

It was time to save her sister. It was time to save herself.


End file.
